11 months later

Every time I come on here,the pressure of what I should write overwhelms me. I’ve written and rewritten so much that now I just want to be as honest and clear as I can. I want to be real. I want to write this like you are going to read it. 

In the beginning, when I first found out that you’re gone I crumbled. I couldn’t think, I couldn’t speak, I even thought it was some nasty joke someone made up. That night nothing mattered. Not the mock exam I had in the morning, or the fact that I was in school uniform at 1:00 am on the floor. Even the mosquitoes coming in from the widely opened window couldn’t get to me. All I could think about was you. Was us. Was why. Was how. Was what could I have done. That night I hated the fact that I got a new phone and lost a lot of our conversations. That same night I called you. Over and over and over. I sent you messages. The single grey tick on all the messages broke my heart so much.I sent you 2 voice notes. One was telling you to stop playing with me and quit the nasty prank, and in the other I was begging you to call me back and tell me it’s all a prank. Tears and disbelief are what took over that night.

About two weeks later, I went to grieve your departure with the amazing friends you introduced me to Wanda and Peninah. Crystal was also there. How ironic it felt that I was there and you weren’t. That the same people you introduced me to  were standing there but you weren’t. I couldn’t stay there that long. The moment I got home a new feeling overwhelmed me. This feeling confused me a lot but it come in strong. Anger. All of a sudden I was angry at myself, I was angry at you, I was angry with everyone. Where the anger come from was a mystery at the time but now it makes sense. I was angry at myself for not being as good of a friend to you as you were to me. I was angry that most of our last conversations revolved around me and my problems. I was angry at you because you left without telling me. You left without saying goodbye. Without telling me when we would ever meet. Without assuming that I might not live if you aren’t here with me. I was mad at everyone else for being happy (people that didn’t know you or the situation), I was mad that their life continued normally and yours didn’t. 

That anger stayed with me for a long time. The reality is that I was running away. I wasn’t strong enough to deal with the real emotions so I masked it all under anger because anger couldn’t allow me to cry. Anger couldn’t allow me to remember, anger couldn’t allow me to grieve. At least so I thought. 

So much has happened in my life that I can’t believe you weren’t there to share in it. I graduated Highschool. God how I wanted you there so bad it hurts to remember. I know you would have been proud and happy for me. I’ve joined Uni now. All I can think about is how I wish you were here long enough for me to also see you embark on the same journey. I’m doing finance…I know I know, how did I get here. after all you were the only one that helped me get that credit in year 11 math. I don’t understand either. But I’m here now. Time has done what it always does which is move on. I however cannot be like time. Your mark in my life will never allow me to move on. I don’t want to move on. I want to remember till the day I join you. I want to make you proud and I want you to know that your physical presence maybe gone but the soul never goes. You will always have a very special place in my heart. I love you so much Vicky. 

• Tribute By: Tyra Mbugua